Not-So Chinese Whispers
I've spent the majority of today trying to think of how I could write this post in a way which would let me get my point across, but without it sounding too much like a sob story. The method I've chosen probably isn't going to be perfect, but please bear with me, because it's the best I could come up with.
The majority of what I've written in my blog as a whole has had some kind of lighthearted or humorous underlay.
This one's going to be different. I've been inspired to be serious for once, and to start being honest, both with you and with myself.
Now, while that doesn't mean you're going to get all of the gory details here, the message is still the same regardless. Admittedly there are people who know me who will know the context a little better, and will understand what I'm about to talk about, so hopefully this will be a way of clearing things up a little. Hopefully.
I've rehearsed the wording of this in my head for most of the afternoon, but gosh, I'm still nervous about writing it, let alone sharing it.
Okay, here goes...
In the world we live in, gossip and rumours are inescapable. Society practically dictates that at some point, you're going to have some kind of rumours flying around about you. No matter how much you try to just be yourself and not worry about what others think about you, people are still going to have those opinions of you regardless. Nine times out of ten, people's views on you are part of what sparks the rumours.
Whether those rumours show you in a positive or a negative light is reliant on two deciding factors.
One: Who's created the rumours - the gossip they start spreading can depend on whether they like or dislike you.
Two: The way that you've conducted yourself - the things you've done and the way you've acted is bound to impact on what people say about you.
For me at the moment, I'm laying blame on that second option.
Which, yes, essentially means I'm laying blame on myself.
I've made some bad decisions in the last few years. I know I'm still a bit young to spout about a lifetime of regrets, but there are a number of choices I've made, all very similar in nature, that I wish I hadn't. The last few months especially, I've realised what kind of person I've let myself become, and I don't like it one little bit.
Don't get me wrong, I've always tried my hardest to be a nice person, in an attempt to ensure that no one would ever have a reason to dislike me. I've grown up determined that I wouldn't be like the horrible kind of person I've hated since childhood.
But that hasn't necessarily worked, because I've come to the realisation that I've just made myself into different, yet almost equally crappy version of that person.
This revelation initially came around a couple of months ago, and I did set about trying to set things straight. As a result, certain aspects of my life have changed, in both good and bad ways. It's been hard but I thought I was making a good start.
But then I was given the wake up call I needed, by someone I've only just met. I was told about some rumours that have been going around about me and the things I've done. Apart from the fact that I was asked about them by someone who barely knows me, the worst bit was that I couldn't even deny them. I gave my 'I'm not proud of it' speech, but I couldn't even pretend that what had been said was wrong. That is what made it really hit home.
I have this whole 'friendly and innocent' thing going on, but behind it all, a horrible side of me has
been developing. I had a feeling that it wasn't going unnoticed by the people around me, but to find out for certain that at least one person has been talking about it was a well-deserved slap in the face.
I could give any number of excuses to attempt to justify the way I've acted, but that'd just be an insult to everyone involved.
The truth is, I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself. Not only that, but I feel foolish for doing all of these things that I'd never dreamed I'd do, only to end up no better off. That is, of course, my own fault, but it doesn't make it any better.
I honestly wish I'd never let myself get this way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
But I suppose, if I'd not done any of it, things probably wouldn't have turned out the way they have and I never would have learnt from everything that's happened.
Either way, I can't change the past, so now I'm working on having a better grasp on being a better person in the future.
In the process of me 'sorting things out' I've had a good few reasons to smile, so no way am I going to let that fall to crap as well, especially not because of the person I've been.
Let's start with some apologies.
I'm sorry to everyone who's experienced this bad side of mine in the past, in whichever way that might be.
I'm sorry for the people I've lost along the way.
I'm sorry to all of my current friends who've seen me in that negative way, and I'm sorry that you've been given enough reason to talk about those negative points.
And I'm sorry for the people I'm only just meeting, and who I am yet to meet, for any kind of bad information you may hear about me.
I won't blame you if you initially judge me on that, but I hope you'll give me a chance to change your mind.
This is my promise to you all, and to myself, that from the moment this is posted, I'm changing my ways completely.
I'm not going to let myself turn back into that awful excuse for a human being again.
Never again.
The majority of what I've written in my blog as a whole has had some kind of lighthearted or humorous underlay.
This one's going to be different. I've been inspired to be serious for once, and to start being honest, both with you and with myself.
Now, while that doesn't mean you're going to get all of the gory details here, the message is still the same regardless. Admittedly there are people who know me who will know the context a little better, and will understand what I'm about to talk about, so hopefully this will be a way of clearing things up a little. Hopefully.
I've rehearsed the wording of this in my head for most of the afternoon, but gosh, I'm still nervous about writing it, let alone sharing it.
Okay, here goes...
In the world we live in, gossip and rumours are inescapable. Society practically dictates that at some point, you're going to have some kind of rumours flying around about you. No matter how much you try to just be yourself and not worry about what others think about you, people are still going to have those opinions of you regardless. Nine times out of ten, people's views on you are part of what sparks the rumours.
Whether those rumours show you in a positive or a negative light is reliant on two deciding factors.
One: Who's created the rumours - the gossip they start spreading can depend on whether they like or dislike you.
Two: The way that you've conducted yourself - the things you've done and the way you've acted is bound to impact on what people say about you.
For me at the moment, I'm laying blame on that second option.
Which, yes, essentially means I'm laying blame on myself.
I've made some bad decisions in the last few years. I know I'm still a bit young to spout about a lifetime of regrets, but there are a number of choices I've made, all very similar in nature, that I wish I hadn't. The last few months especially, I've realised what kind of person I've let myself become, and I don't like it one little bit.
Don't get me wrong, I've always tried my hardest to be a nice person, in an attempt to ensure that no one would ever have a reason to dislike me. I've grown up determined that I wouldn't be like the horrible kind of person I've hated since childhood.
But that hasn't necessarily worked, because I've come to the realisation that I've just made myself into different, yet almost equally crappy version of that person.
This revelation initially came around a couple of months ago, and I did set about trying to set things straight. As a result, certain aspects of my life have changed, in both good and bad ways. It's been hard but I thought I was making a good start.
But then I was given the wake up call I needed, by someone I've only just met. I was told about some rumours that have been going around about me and the things I've done. Apart from the fact that I was asked about them by someone who barely knows me, the worst bit was that I couldn't even deny them. I gave my 'I'm not proud of it' speech, but I couldn't even pretend that what had been said was wrong. That is what made it really hit home.
I have this whole 'friendly and innocent' thing going on, but behind it all, a horrible side of me has
been developing. I had a feeling that it wasn't going unnoticed by the people around me, but to find out for certain that at least one person has been talking about it was a well-deserved slap in the face.
I could give any number of excuses to attempt to justify the way I've acted, but that'd just be an insult to everyone involved.
The truth is, I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself. Not only that, but I feel foolish for doing all of these things that I'd never dreamed I'd do, only to end up no better off. That is, of course, my own fault, but it doesn't make it any better.
I honestly wish I'd never let myself get this way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
But I suppose, if I'd not done any of it, things probably wouldn't have turned out the way they have and I never would have learnt from everything that's happened.
Either way, I can't change the past, so now I'm working on having a better grasp on being a better person in the future.
In the process of me 'sorting things out' I've had a good few reasons to smile, so no way am I going to let that fall to crap as well, especially not because of the person I've been.
Let's start with some apologies.
I'm sorry to everyone who's experienced this bad side of mine in the past, in whichever way that might be.
I'm sorry for the people I've lost along the way.
I'm sorry to all of my current friends who've seen me in that negative way, and I'm sorry that you've been given enough reason to talk about those negative points.
And I'm sorry for the people I'm only just meeting, and who I am yet to meet, for any kind of bad information you may hear about me.
I won't blame you if you initially judge me on that, but I hope you'll give me a chance to change your mind.
This is my promise to you all, and to myself, that from the moment this is posted, I'm changing my ways completely.
I'm not going to let myself turn back into that awful excuse for a human being again.
Never again.
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