Worry Wart

The last few posts have been my attempt at giving you something of an insight into the 'real me'. The person I really am underneath this shell I usually wear while writing sarcastic tweets and putting some kind of humorous edge on each my blog posts. I wanted to continue that into this one.

My job now gives me a fair bit of time to 'zone out' and think about things in more depth than I usually would. Therefore, this is going to be made up of a combination of those thoughts, as well as one or two of the monologues I dream up while I'm in a world of my own.

I'm a worrier. That's a pretty well known fact by now. In fact, I've been told several times by people I know that I worry too much. I've always replied to say 'No, I worry just the right amount'. But maybe they're right.

If I'm not worrying about one thing, I'm worrying about another. The best multitasking I've ever done has been worrying about more than one thing at once.

I'm worrying right now.

I'm worrying that I might not be on time for work tomorrow.

I'm worrying that I'm going to get behind on filling in my overtime forms for work again this month.

I'm worrying about what to get my mum and brothers for Christmas.

I'm worrying so much, and it's safe to say that the majority of my worries are based on the relationships I have with other people. I have this constant nagging in my mind, making me worry that someone might not like me, that I might upset someone else, that I might have been getting on the nerves of another person.

This kind of echoes some of the points I made in Not-So Chinese Whispers - the fact that, even though I try and be all "It doesn't matter what people think about me!", I know that, deep down, I'm constantly worrying that the people I care about have this negative view of me.

I don't want to spend my life doing things I normally wouldn't just to please others, but a lot of the time that's what I do, in the hope it'll make someone like me more.

I try not to change the things I say to people and way I am based on who they are, but I often do so if I think it'll help me keep them as a friend.

This makes it sound like I tend to create a completely different version of myself just to make friends, but that's not exactly how it is. Let's just say I adapt myself in little ways to suit the people I'm with.

For instance: most of my friends are guys - I get on better with guys than I do with girls - so I've worked on learning the 'one of the lads' style banter, to an extent, while keeping hold of my femininity. While that started as something I had to make an effort to join in with, it's become a more natural way for me to be when I'm with those guys at the pub. However, when I hang out with my best friend (also a guy), I'm aware that he's different to the pub group, so I find myself avoiding using that banter with him. Though at the same time, I feel more comfortable about fangirling to him about Lee Evans and McFly, and talking to him about the more personal bits and bobs going on in my life. Then there are one or two people who have seen me in my 'pub' mode, and separate from that, so they've probably seen another side to me, though that's one I feel I have trouble putting my finger on, because even I don't see it often. That's a rather strange thought.

There are some elements of my personality I have begun to dislike, mainly what I talked about in 'Not-So Chinese Whispers', and that's because my eyes were opened to how much they were affecting people's opinions of me.

Don't get me wrong, I'd still dislike the person I had become even if no one had been talking about me (as I said, I'd already made a start on making changes before I knew about the 'rumours'). But the renewed, stronger worry about what people thought of me gave me that much-needed kick up the bum.

But, although some good seems to have come from all the bad, it brings with it some more worry-points for me, concentrated specifically on one chunk of the good.

I worry that all the bad will end up having been for nothing.

I worry that I always build my hopes up too much.

I worry that I'm going to end up getting on someone's nerves, if I haven't already.

I worry about being a disappointment, and that I'm not good enough.

I worry that everything will get ruined, and I'll have nothing to smile about.

Most of all, I worry that my worrying will be what ruins everything.

And right now, I don't want anything to be ruined, because I'm worried things will change back to how they were before, leaving me back at square one. I've waited too long to even get to the point I'm at now, so to see it all go down the drain now would be horrible.

I'm the kind of person who needs almost constant reassurance, something to let me know that I'm just being silly and worrying for no reason. Whether that's a hug or an invite to the pub or just a text, it makes me feel more secure about a friendship, and let's me know that I'm still wanted. I hold some insecurities about the person I am, including how I look and how I come across to other people, so to know that I don't have to be insecure about all the different relationships in my life would take such a weight off my mind. Whether that would be a permanent removal of the worry or just a temporary one, I'd always be grateful for the relaxed, happy feeling it'd give me.

That's about where my latest stream of consciousness dribbles off at its end.

And now I'm worried about what might be thought by anyone who reads this. Because it has taken a bit of a soppy turn again, and I may be opening myself up too much now. But having it all going on in my head gets too much. And I have more chance to say it on here than it I do to tell people directly. So let's see.