Attached to Temptation.

I can't deny that I'm a very emotional person. It's so obvious; it would be pointless even trying to deny it.
In school, I was the cry-baby of the class. It really wouldn't take much to set me off, which is quite embarrassing to admit. I was the goody-two-shoes of the class too; I was never really told off properly, so I can't even blame it on that. Although, thinking about it, maybe that would have helped toughen me up a bit.
I haven't exactly grown out of being that fuzzball of emotion, but it has adapted and is focused around slightly less trivial things. Thankfully I'm no longer of an age where I go all teary if I'm told I have to eat those spaghetti hoops in my school dinner, whether I like them or not. (Yes. I was that bad.)
While I don't burst into tears at the smallest thing like I used to, I do still let things go to heart more than I should. To paraphrase McBusted: I'm just a sensitive girl.
A particular side effect of this sensitive, emotional nature of mine is that I get easily attached to... Things. People. Feelings...
Even if I try to avoid it, it does seem to come naturally to me. I sometimes just can't help but develop this strong emotional connection that often won’t let up. For example, if I have a spell of almost continuous interaction with someone I'm fond of – texting them every day or seeing them regularly – but then the interaction stops for whatever reason, it does seem to have an effect on me emotionally. Saying it like that makes it sound very silly, and perhaps it doesn’t describe it in the best way, but it is hard to put into words.
The only way I can think to explain it is by saying that it’s like an addiction. If I’ve become accustomed to something and enjoy it a lot – conversations with friends, nights out at the pub – I am likely to miss it very strongly if it’s not there anymore. The social interaction is the most prominent example I can think of, which may sound strange, considering I often express my general dislike of people. But as I said, there are a select few friends who I can tolerate more than others... ;)
These are the kinds of friends who I miss really easily - their hugs, their personalities, and just the time spent with them - and I honestly find myself craving certain types of conversation with certain people. It can even get to the point where it puts me into a bad mood until I talk to them again. (Yes. I am that bad.)
As a result of forming this kind of emotional attachment, I find that I am often drawn in by temptation. I have regular debates going on in my mind, where the stubborn nature in my genetic makeup struggles to overcome my laughable lack of willpower. I know. I just scream ‘contradiction’, don’t I?
I’ve mentioned before that I’m a worrier, so it should come as no surprise that I spend a lot of time worrying about whether I should text first or not, or whether I should say the things I want to say.
Most of the time, my longing for interaction wins out, and I end up caving in by making the first move. The problem is, I then worry (surprise, surprise) that the conversation is going to feel forced, or perhaps end too soon if I'm bugging the other person at a bad time.
There are other times when I have this surge of honesty, and feel almost compelled to blurt out things I should be keeping to myself. This happens mainly when I'm tired or drunk, but the biggest trigger is when I've been thinking too much. For instance, sometimes I'm hit with the realisation of how much I miss someone, which leads me to feel like I should share this with them, a temptation I can't seem to resist once the idea is in my head.
I think, though, that I would probably feel lost without that kind of temptation if it weren't there. I can't even seem to fathom that theory out for myself, let alone make it sound logical in writing, but it almost feels like part of me likes the temptation. I guess that if it weren't there, it would feel like I lacked the capacity for any kind of true desire. Without true desire, there's nothing for you to strive towards...
As usual, I'm not entirely certain as to where I was going with this. I suppose that the attempt to put these thoughts of mine into words was my way of trying understand them a bit more myself. I'm not exactly sure how well that's worked.
But the fact that I had faces in my mind while writing this just reiterated to me how easy it is for me to miss people I care about, no matter when I last saw or spoke to them...
Reading this back, I can appreciate that I've used the example of interaction through social media/text messaging repeatedly. This implies that I am rarely able to communicate meaningfully with people without the use of my mobile phone.
I think I should just clear that up now, by saying that it is pretty much true. (Except for the odd, late night, drowsy/drunken chat in a random place or two.)