Solitude
I spend a lot of time alone.
I don't have much of a social life - especially in comparison to other people my age - and I don't have a lot of people who I would consider to be friends. Not counting family, I can probably count on one hand the people who I can spend more than a couple of hours with by choice and not start to feel on edge or anxious for it to be over. That isn't to say that I don't like the company of the other friends I have, because I really do. It's just that sometimes, little doses at a time are enough for me. I prefer, most of the time, to be alone in my own space, where I am comfortable and don't feel obliged to interact with other people.
Someone recently pointed out that from what they see in Snapchat messages I send them, I spend most of my weekends or days off 'sat in bed', and they're pretty much right. After spending a week at work, stuck in a position where I have no choice but to talk to people, nothing is more appealing to me than hiding myself away in my own bubble where I'm safe and the only conversations I have out loud are with myself.
Especially with it being winter, I like being cuddled up under a blanket with a coffee to keep me company. I'll either binge a show on Netflix or do some drawing or writing or flick through social media, but the main thing is that it's my choice to make in the peace of my own solitude. I've been asked whether it ever gets boring, and the truth is that it rarely does, but even then just taking a walk somewhere helps (although this is better in warmer weather).
This is why I've always liked staying in hotels on my own every now and again. It's nice not to have to rely on anyone but myself. I can be truly alone with my own thoughts. I suppose it can feel a little lonely sometimes, so having someone to reach out to does help, but for the most part, it's quite peaceful.
As I mentioned, there are the special few who I could hang out with for hours and not want it to end. I take this as a sign of how happy and comfortable I am to be myself around them. The only problem is that I find that even if I'd happily spend that extra time with them, I sometimes struggle to make conversation. I mean, I come across this a lot anyway, especially with people I hardly know, but I suppose it's more noticeable in extended periods of time. Even if I really want to talk to the person about anything and everything, I struggle to know where to start. And even if I have a topic in mind, I'll take a minute or two to 'rehearse' in my head before I can start talking.
This, unsurprisingly, leads to silences between me and the other person, but the good thing is that if I'm comfortable enough, they don't feel like awkward silences, not to me at least. In a way, I think that with the right person, spending some quiet time together and just enjoying each other's company can actually be really nice. It is quite a saviour for me at times, it relieves some of the pressure with the whole conversation thing, so I can only hope that the feeling of content is evident and is shared.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it takes a lot for me to be around other people, and if I've done so by choice, especially if I don't want to leave... well, you must mean a lot to me.
For now, I'm taking some extra time out. I've been invited out a few times but have said no, even to the things I normally love doing (cough, Creams, cough). I've made excuses, but to be honest, after all the social interaction at Christmas and New Year, I felt like that was my fill. I've got a couple of things in the diary later in the month and at the start of February, and as silly as it sounds, I feel like I need a break before then. I'm using it to focus on looking after myself better and I'm trying to put my overthinking to good use, I'm hoping it'll help me make some improvements, I guess.
We'll see how that goes.
I don't have much of a social life - especially in comparison to other people my age - and I don't have a lot of people who I would consider to be friends. Not counting family, I can probably count on one hand the people who I can spend more than a couple of hours with by choice and not start to feel on edge or anxious for it to be over. That isn't to say that I don't like the company of the other friends I have, because I really do. It's just that sometimes, little doses at a time are enough for me. I prefer, most of the time, to be alone in my own space, where I am comfortable and don't feel obliged to interact with other people.
Someone recently pointed out that from what they see in Snapchat messages I send them, I spend most of my weekends or days off 'sat in bed', and they're pretty much right. After spending a week at work, stuck in a position where I have no choice but to talk to people, nothing is more appealing to me than hiding myself away in my own bubble where I'm safe and the only conversations I have out loud are with myself.
Especially with it being winter, I like being cuddled up under a blanket with a coffee to keep me company. I'll either binge a show on Netflix or do some drawing or writing or flick through social media, but the main thing is that it's my choice to make in the peace of my own solitude. I've been asked whether it ever gets boring, and the truth is that it rarely does, but even then just taking a walk somewhere helps (although this is better in warmer weather).
This is why I've always liked staying in hotels on my own every now and again. It's nice not to have to rely on anyone but myself. I can be truly alone with my own thoughts. I suppose it can feel a little lonely sometimes, so having someone to reach out to does help, but for the most part, it's quite peaceful.
As I mentioned, there are the special few who I could hang out with for hours and not want it to end. I take this as a sign of how happy and comfortable I am to be myself around them. The only problem is that I find that even if I'd happily spend that extra time with them, I sometimes struggle to make conversation. I mean, I come across this a lot anyway, especially with people I hardly know, but I suppose it's more noticeable in extended periods of time. Even if I really want to talk to the person about anything and everything, I struggle to know where to start. And even if I have a topic in mind, I'll take a minute or two to 'rehearse' in my head before I can start talking.
This, unsurprisingly, leads to silences between me and the other person, but the good thing is that if I'm comfortable enough, they don't feel like awkward silences, not to me at least. In a way, I think that with the right person, spending some quiet time together and just enjoying each other's company can actually be really nice. It is quite a saviour for me at times, it relieves some of the pressure with the whole conversation thing, so I can only hope that the feeling of content is evident and is shared.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it takes a lot for me to be around other people, and if I've done so by choice, especially if I don't want to leave... well, you must mean a lot to me.
For now, I'm taking some extra time out. I've been invited out a few times but have said no, even to the things I normally love doing (cough, Creams, cough). I've made excuses, but to be honest, after all the social interaction at Christmas and New Year, I felt like that was my fill. I've got a couple of things in the diary later in the month and at the start of February, and as silly as it sounds, I feel like I need a break before then. I'm using it to focus on looking after myself better and I'm trying to put my overthinking to good use, I'm hoping it'll help me make some improvements, I guess.
We'll see how that goes.
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