Deja Vu

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Deja Vu.
‘A feeling of having already experienced the present situation.’

This seems to be a recurring thing for me. Not only in the spooky ‘ooh I think I’ve dreamed about this’ way, but also in the actual ‘this keeps happening, why do I keep letting this happen, oh my gosh, I’m such an idiot’ way.

History seems to repeat itself quite a bit in my life, even if initially it seems like it won’t. It’s like my life is going around in circles.
In some ways it’s horrible because it puts me on edge and I end up just waiting for the inevitable to happen. I can’t just relax and be happy because I know it won’t be long before promises get broken and it all goes tits up.

That then leads to me beating myself up for being so gullible by believing that this time will be different. It makes me feel like an idiot which is embarrassing and it hurts like hell.

 My mind is all over the place with it at the moment.

The worst bit is I feel like I can’t talk openly about it in case it seems I’m making a big thing out of nothing, which makes me feel even more awful.

Sometimes I revert back to the stubborn, willpower thing, a bit like I am now. I don’t necessarily want to, but I feel like it’s my way of keeping control of myself and proving I can get by, even if it’s so bloody hard.

 Even writing this feels risky - well, actually, it makes me feel more than just a little bit stupid. I mean, I’ve been writing these thoughts down on paper to try and get them out, but it hasn’t been enough. I’ve felt an urge to write about it  here too, although I haven’t been sure if I should. Obviously this is a lot more stripped back and less specific than I’ve been on paper but sharing this still feels silly, because if it’s all just a mountain out of a molehill, I’m the one who looks like the fool.

 The bad feeling I have just seems all too familiar but I’m too scared to seek reassurance. So instead I’m using this method of ‘indirecting’.

Whatever I do, I always end up annoyed at myself and I hate it.

I just wish that for once things would go differently, that they would end up the way I want them to, and that life would feel like it’s going smoothly for once.

But what are the chances of that happening?

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