Breaking Free

As I sit here, watching the cursor flashing, trying to think of what to write, my mind is bulging with an array of different thoughts and feelings. Okay, I know, when are they not?

It's the start of the Easter weekend, 4 days off work, so I started this morning in a relatively good mood. Unfortunately, that quickly changed. I'm now at a point where I'm glad I've not been at work, even more than I normally would be, because the mood I'm currently in is one where every little thing is pissing me off. It's a mood I've been overwhelmed by a number of times recently, and it doesn't feel at all healthy, especially given the source of it.

It is so apparent to me that my mood, my chance of happiness, is dependent on - or rather, controlled by - someone else. And it's ridiculous that I should be allowing that to happen.

I have this recurring problem in my personality where I become emotionally attached so easily, and in some cases it's so difficult to shift. In one case in particular, it feels almost impossible.

Imagine someone taking hold of you, almost in the very moment they enter your life. Suddenly you're captured, entranced, besotted. Imagine that from that moment on, all you want is to know them, to understand them, to be close to them. Imagine feeling so happy whenever you speak to them, that at times when you don't, you're filled with a strange sadness. Imagine barely being able to go a day without something reminding you of that person.

Now, imagine them having that hold on you for the best part of a good number of years... let's say five, maybe five and a half. Only, what makes it so much harder is that every time you think you're getting somewhere and that all of the time and emotion might actually have been worth it, they let go of the elastic band and catapult you right back to square one.

You might try and move on, to find someone else who will appreciate all that you are and that you want to give them. But that's incredibly difficult, given that at the back of your mind is someone who will always manage to draw you back in, even if you try and resist.

They fill you with all this false hope, reassurances that this time will be different, and you let yourself believe it, because as scary as it is, this is what you want. And you think that it's finally what they want too. They make you believe that you mean something to them. But as soon as you relax and push away your doubts, they let you down again. They let you get oh so close, but not quite there.

What makes it worse is that they do it in such a cruel way. Rather than owning up and telling you straight up that they've changed their mind, like they promised to do, they just gradually phase you out and let you work it out for yourself. And when you do, it leaves you feeling like an idiot. Taking the risk, letting them in and sharing all you did with them, all for nothing.  Now you have to listen to the 'I Told You So' speeches from your friends and the speculation in your own mind over what their agenda really was. It's awful. You're left feeling angry and foolish, upset and confused. You question and over analyse everything, trying to find what you did wrong.

Stupidly enough, though, there will still be a part of you which will thread denial through your mind, making you cling to any inkling of hope that there is still a chance. Even when you find the confidence to confront that person (admittedly thanks to being a little tipsy), to tell them how they've made you feel, and their responses just confirm it all to you. Even then, you become frustrated with yourself because despite how crappy they have made you feel, you know that you don't want to let go. Because you're scared that if you do, you're going to be lost and you're not going to know how to move forward.

Well, I know now that it's time to start re-training my brain and my feelings, so that I can move forward. I need to stop relying on someone else for my own happiness, especially someone that clearly doesn't care. I need to have more faith in myself. I need to wake myself up and stop dwelling on something that is never going to happen.

Instead, I need to take responsibility for making things happen that are going to make me happy. Given past experience, it sure as hell isn't going to be easy, but if I don't try, I'm just going to be stuck where I am, who knows how long for. And the longer I'm stuck, the longer I'm still under the control of someone else and their hold on me.

I realise that this whole piece has become much more involved and open than I intended, but the anger and hurt seems to have hit me hard today. The isolation I've tucked myself into recently means that I need to let my thoughts out somewhere, because otherwise, I might just explode. And I don't want to explode, especially not at someone else. I just want to be free.