Self-Care

I think I've mentioned before that I spend a fair amount of time on my own. Especially over the last two years, I've taken advantage of not having any ties, no one to have to work around, no one to keep happy. I can honestly say, it has been a massive relief. I'd forgotten how much easier it is to make plans without having another person to factor into them. Admittedly, at the beginning of 2018 I wasn't in the best of places, I was still holding onto some feelings that weren't good for me - guilt, anger, loneliness, regret. But as time went on, I completely embraced the full independence I'd rediscovered, and I have since referred to myself several times as a strong woman 'who don't need no man'!

As anyone who follows my social media will know, I discovered a set of self-catered holiday lodges in Sussex, which are easily accessed by train, so are now my go-to destination for the solo trips I take. People often ask me how I do it, going away on my own, and I explain to them how simple and peaceful it is. It gives me the feeling of having my own place for a week and it's great to be left to my own devices, to eat what I want, do what I want, to be able to have a long-arse shower without having to consult with a bunch of people about their bathroom needs first. It doesn't hurt, either, that the lodge I normally stay in has a hot tub. Just saying.

In between these trips, life has been quite standard - work, home, work, home. On the odd Friday or Saturday night two of my friends and I will have a Doctor Who spree or a movie night, which can be fun. I have learnt to be more honest with them, though, if I'm ever not up for hanging out.

I'm the kind of person who doesn't like talking to people, yet I have a job that requires me to do so. Therefore, it's only natural that I would want to spend at least some of my spare time not talking to anyone, especially when it's as busy at work as it was for the majority of last year. So, I realised I shouldn't feel like I have to give my friends an excuse for wanting a weekend to myself - I can just say 'Nah, not this week, thanks' and that's completely okay. It might seem like such a small thing, but it really has done wonders for me. 

Of course, the thing with spending so much time on my own is that there is a lot of time for thinking. But that's fine. Thinking is what I do best. Something I have thought about, in fits and starts, is what I want from life. I'm in my late 20's, I'm getting old! A lot of people my age are parents, some of them are married; in fact one of my friends is getting married later this year. When I was younger, that's what I always imagined life to be - grow up, get married, have children. By the time my mum was my age, she had a husband, a toddler, and was buying the house that we would all grow up in. So that was the template I thought I should be following. 

For a while, though, I was wondering if I actually wanted any of it. Sometimes I think remaining a spinster could suit me quite well. Most of that idea undoubtedly stems from my aforementioned preference to spend time alone, but I can't lie that part of it is down to the discomfort I feel in certain social situations that come hand-in-hand with being in a relationship. I've convinced myself that I'm 'not good at relationships', mainly because of how much I struggle with anything outside of 'the bubble' - meeting each other's families, spending time with their friends, being willing to try new things that scare me but that the other person loves doing, etc. However, I am very much aware that those concerns are just based on my experience with the only long-term relationship I've ever had and I did things like watch football while in that relationship, so maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit.

Having said all that, maybe it's just that classic cliche of not having the right person in my life yet. Whatever the reason, for a while I thought my mind was made up that I wouldn't ever want to settle down with anyone. Of course, there is always the potential for that to change when I least expect it. I can't pretend that I don't occasionally wonder if it would be nice to have someone to be soppy with and say cute things to.

Perhaps this time next year I'll look back on this post and smile because I will have found someone I want to do those things with. Then again, maybe I'll look back and smile because I''ll be in the same situation as I am now, and I'll still be completely content.

While we're on the subject, you might remember that in the last post I wrote in 2018, I was talking about wanting to 'break free' and not just as an excuse to reference High School Musical (although that was quite satisfying). At the time when I wrote it, things were not good, as you might have guessed.

Just as an update to that - I've been trying. It's not as clean a break as I wanted, but it was never going to be as instant as that. I think I've gotten better at keeping myself distanced, emotionally. I won't lie, I can't say I'm at a point where I don't care at all - in a way I think I always will - but I don't feel like I'm as attached as I have been in the past. I find it easier to delete conversations from my phone, I'm realistic with myself and I take everything with a pinch of salt now. It doesn't feel like the be-all and end-all like it used to, which is refreshing in itself. I'm getting there and I'm pleased with myself.

Overall, I would say I'm happier. That's not to say I don't have wobbles - it would be weird if I didn't. I feel like I'm handling them better though. Like that time in work last year when everything just got on top of me, I got so stressed out, to the point that I spent a day holding back tears (which I let out when I got home). But I had the sense to talk to my manager about what was bothering me, so steps could be taken to try and improve things. And this weekend, I've been feeling a little emotional, so I've put music on and had a singalong while I organised my wardrobe, I've taken a long shower, I've painted my nails. I've even moisturised, as recommended by a friend!

Even tweeting about things or writing about them here helps a lot, so I'm glad I've thought to make use of this outlet again, however long it might last. I got onto a bit of a roll with this one. My coffee has gone cold.

Basically, I'm recognising that all these things are my own version of self-care, and that's important.

Song on Repeat: Boys Like You - dodie